Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
did i just pee glitter
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
