Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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