I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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