I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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