Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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