I think I won the penis lottery.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
