my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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