I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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