from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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