Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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