The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
