If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
