Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
A+ Viking dick
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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