I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
