Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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