If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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