my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
