Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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