Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.