We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.