I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I believe in your delicious
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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