Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
