who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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