after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
