Will you blow on my dice?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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