We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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