Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You've changed since you got that strap on
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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