I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
