I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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