Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
