I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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