So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
