girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
