I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
