I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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