The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken