He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We need to get me chipped asap
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.