If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.