he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.