i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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