the condom got lost in my hair
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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