Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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