Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
