i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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