Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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