Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
