Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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