I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
