I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
