For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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