You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
