If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
