I think im going to throw up on grandma
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
