Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
