I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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