It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize