Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
