Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
